im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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