I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
