Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize