Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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