I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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