I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
