She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
