I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
