those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
