I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
