yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Randomize
