that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
