so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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