u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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