I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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