I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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