I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize