ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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