chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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