I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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