I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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