Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
