she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
