Im at strip club and am horny
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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