Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Boobs are out for the taking
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
