I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
