3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
