I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
