your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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