As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
