omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
