Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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