I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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