he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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