just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my shit smells like andre
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
