a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
