I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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