When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize