so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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