I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
