Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Text me some of your sweat
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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