i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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