I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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