Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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