wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize