I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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