So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize