He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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