Cold hands, warm shart.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
