two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
