did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
