Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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