I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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