Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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