Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
